Wednesday, 13 October 2010

How I lost my virginity (to a sofa)

Although puberty came fairly early to me, my adult mind took a lot longer to develop. I swear that was still playing marbles and climbing trees when my mates were getting into pubs. Needless to say, it was a long time before I got my first girlfriend. Technically my first girlfriend was Wendy Beard who I met one drunken night at the Cat's Whiskers in Burnley. The event in question was the Accrington and Rossendale college disco, where I spent the whole evening with Wendy the vampire, sucking on my neck. The next morning I awoke with my head stuck to the pillow. Upon taking more experienced (not hard) peoples advice, I smeared my neck in toothpaste before going to sleep, in an attempt to try and hide my love trophies from my mum. Somehow, I got the toothpaste everywhere and ended up having to cut my hair, to free myself from my bed. This was the start of my first relationship, which lasted all of 4 weeks. I think I only saw Wendy twice before she dumped me for Red van Bob, who was rumoured to be her cousin. My lack of experience and his red van probably had a lot to do with my demise.

My first proper relationship started a year later, aged 17. I met Linda on the CB radio (I know, I'm a disgrace), when she was 15. She may have been 2 years younger than me but she was about 5 years more experienced, although unfortunately she was still a virgin. During my 3 years with Linda, I cut my wings in the sex world. We even bought one of those books that you always used to see for sale in the supplements of magazines. You know the ones, the joy of sex or something similarly titled, with a bearded man perfoming cunnilingus on a woman with a big hairy muff. From certain angles it resembled 2 cats fighting. We would read a chapter on foreplay and then spend the following week practising what we had read. Foreplay was as far as it got though, Linda was resolute on saving her cherry until she had 16 candles on the birthday cake.

I had to wait for 6 months until her 16th birthday, during which time I became an expert in the following activities, foreplay, finding places to perform foreplay and listening out for my mum's car. The relationship very nearly ended the first time that I groped her breasts. Her bra had some sort of furry attachment, which I mistook for body hair. Seriously, for a week after this event, until I tried again I thought that I had found myself a hairy chested freak. Fortunately I persisted and was able to progress from base to base until I was ready to score my first home run.

So, the big day arrived and after opening presents and exchanging pleasantries with Linda's family, we retired to Linda's budoir. The adrenalin pumping, we positively collapse onto Linda's bed and lunge into our well rehearsed foreplay routine. A lot of licking and flicking later and the moment arrives. By this time, my penis resembles and exocet missile, ready to be launched. I thrust forward, my target well and truly in the sights, but I come to a sudden and abrupt halt. Undeterred, I reverse the exocet and prepare for the second launch. Once more my thrust is blocked by it's target. Bloody hell I think, I was not expecting this, there appears to be something impeding my progress. I persist, and by the tenth relaunch I have managed to penetrate my target by at least 2 cm. By this time, Linda is in lots of pain and I am not feeling too great myself. We agree to try again later in the week.

Well, I havn't got the biggest missile in the armoury by any stretch of the imagination (or labias) but for once in my life, I am wishing to lose a few inches, instead of gaining a few. Oh, we try again alright, and try and try and try. It must be the longest virginity losing experience of all time. Look it up in the Guinness book of world records, Andy Mitton and Linda Knight July 1987. It takes us 3 bleeding (and I literally mean bleeding) weeks. The temperature outside is soaring and the tension inside is rising. By the 3rd week, I am determined to claim my prize. I inform Linda that stop is no longer part of our vocabulary and the next attempt will be a successful attempt. She acquiesces.

We choose a time when my parents are going to be out (which are few and far between) and decide that we are going to do our love making (if you can call it that)in the living room. We have worked out that the sofa is at a perfect height to enable me to get a good angle, whilst on my knees. Armed with the determination and missile as it happens, that wins wars, we take up out positions. I aim, I thrust and I am thwarted. Undeterred, once again I aim, I thrust and I am thwarted. The charade goes on and on until my patience has been saturated and Linda is about to cry.

"Right, that's it",I shout.

"This bastard is going in", and with that I throw on the turbo drive.

As I thrust forward, I feel a parting of the waves, oh my god, I'm in and it feels wonderful. I thrust and I thrust again and again and again - I have never experienced such feelings of pure ecstasy.

"I'm in , I'm in", is my battle cry, as I writhe around in pleasure. Unfortunately, my penis is not prepared for such feelngs of joy and by the 5th thrust, I have shed my load into what I believe to be an unsuspecting Linda (this was not in the script by the way).

I collapse forward, draped over the sofa, breathless and apologetic for my premature ending. It's only now that I realise that Linda's exclamations of excitement, sound suspiciously like fits of laughter, uncontrollable laughter. I ask her why she is laughing but she is so engrossed that she fails to answer. Each time she tries to tell me, she has to give up because she is laughing too hard.

"What's up"?, I bellow.

"You've, you've , you've -you've", she yells.

"I've what, tell me", I demand.

"You've , just shot your load all over your mums sofa", she shouts before bursting into more spurts of laughter.

I look down and see that penis is wedged between the cushions and the base of the sofa.

"Fuck", I cry out, "I've just lost my virginity to my mum's sofa".


Julia said...

I can't believe you wrote all that - on the internet!

Mitton's Blog said...

Life is about laughter to me Julia. Anything to entertain and be entertained.